Coulda Shoulda Woulda
by LeaveIt
Summary: Alex’s reflections on how she handled her growing affection for her partner during the course of their relationship and how things turned out in the end.
1. Coulda

**Coulda … **

Disclaimer: Goren, Eames, Deakins and anyone else you recognise in this story doesn't belong to me, unfortunately. I'm only borrowing them for a little fun and certainly don't have any assets worth anyone trying to sue me for.

Summary: Alex's reflections on how she handled her growing affection for her partner during the course of their relationship and how things turned out in the end.

A/N: This is just my take on how Alex's feelings for Bobby have evolved during their relationship and a few little hints about her family (according to my own little BA universe). I know absolutely nothing about NYPD policy, on either fraternization or maternity leave, so where I'm wrong I apologise to those who know better than I.

* * *

I coulda told him when I first realised. It's not as if anything had to happen between us but maybe I could've told my partner of just under a year that I wasn't thinking of him simply as my partner anymore, nor even just as a friend. By then we were becoming pretty close, we'd go out to dinner at least once a month, usually after we'd wrapped up a case and could actually relax to some extent.

I know most people think he's a little odd, even weird, and at first so did I. I mean, who promises shocked grief stricken parents they'll catch their daughter's killer even before they've got a single solid lead. He did, the first case we worked together. I pulled him on that and he simply told me "You don't get to do this for a bunch of rocks." I would soon discover this was a typical Goren-esque response. He made good on his promise though. That's something else that I found out was typical of him, he never makes a promise the thinks he can't keep.

Maybe that's one of the things that changed how I felt about him. I mean after that first case, when he manipulated the killer's girlfriend by lying to her about her HIV status and did his weird "hinge" lean to unnerve another suspect during our interrogation, I really wanted to get away from him. I even wrote a letter to Captain Deakins requesting a new partner. I guess I really should have thanked Deakins more often for refusing that request and talking me into giving it more time.

"Just give it three month, Alex, that's all I'm asking." That was Deakins' response to my letter.

I gave it three months, thereby equalling my longest lasting predecessor as Goren's partner in Major Case, and by then I was more than ready to put up with Goren's quirks. I began to appreciate that although his style was definitely different he got excellent results with it.

Another three months after that and I knew how to handle him, we made a good team. We might have differing approaches but somehow we seemed to compliment each other. Outside of work we'd started heading to my favourite bar near to 1PP once every couple of weeks, just to grab a couple of quick drinks after work when we didn't have to be at work the next day.

Three more months and I really couldn't imagine working with another partner. By then we were friends, no longer just partners. Somewhere along the line a switch had been flipped, a connection made and somehow he'd gotten under my skin. I hadn't let anyone outside my own family get anywhere near close to me since my husband had been killed. I'd lost contact with 'our' friends since Joe's funeral and, before that, I'd lost contact with most of my old friends during my marriage. I guess I'd become pretty insular, Goren somehow got inside my walls and took up residence somewhere near my heart.

By the time we'd been partners for a year I knew I was done for. I'd broken the golden rule of mixed police partnerships. I'd fallen in love with my partner. There was no way I was going to compound that situation by telling him though.

I mean, I knew he wouldn't be a jerk about it, he'd probably be very understanding and gentlemanly about things and let me down gently. Yeah, I know, I coulda told him back then.

* * *

A/N: This is the first time I've had the nerve to actually post one of my stories so, if you do review, please be gentle. I have this entire story ready to post if anyone actually wants to know about when Alex "shoulda" and "woulda" told her partner how she feels about him.


	2. Shoulda

I shoulda told him during our second year together. I almost did, the day he tested his theory about a suspect by almost taking a header of the top of a building. Jeez, I didn't know which I wanted to do more that day, hit him or kiss him stupid. Hit him for scaring me, all I could think was that I was about to lose another man I loved, and I hadn't even had the nerve to tell him. Kiss him stupid just for still being there, beside me, breathing, walking, talking.

I started thinking, soon after that, there just might be something more to how he saw me than just friendship. I mean, there was the case where that jerk of a veterinarian stripped down to his undersized underwear right in front of me and Goren kept stepping between us. Not that I wanted to see what the guy wanted me to look at but there was something about the way he instinctively protected me, almost a hint of jealousy about how he'd looked at the suspect that day. Oh, I knew, it was probably just wishful thinking on my part but a girl can hope can't she.

There were other things as well, when I looked back over the previous months. The photo he took when we were investigating at the nightclub for example. I'm certain he didn't know he kept it, but I am a detective, and a pretty good one if I do say so myself. I saw him slipping it into his pocket as we left the club that day, I still wonder where he kept it during the following months. I never saw it when I was in his apartment during those evenings when we'd head to his place, so that he could cook us a decent meal instead of the takeout we tend to eat in the squad room during long cases. He'd started insisting that we take a proper break and his apartment is much closer to the office than my house and, therefore, more convenient. I liked to think he enjoyed cooking for me, he certainly seemed more relaxed during those evenings than he ever had when we went out for a meal together. Maybe he worried what people might think if we were seen, alone, eating in a restaurant late at night. There may not be any regulations against fraternization but it's certainly frowned upon in most units. Or maybe he was just more comfortable in his own space, even with me invading it.

Then along came Wallace, again. The viper, that's how I think of her when I think about how she played him during the Croydon case. How I wish she'd given me a reason to use my gun. I hated it when I had to actually take a shot at someone but for Wallace I could happily have made an exception. The way she messed with his head drove me crazy, so lord only knows what it did to him.

Well no, I did know what it did to him. It set him off-balance, she unsettled him in a way no other suspect ever had. It's wasn't a sexual thing, I knew from how he'd talked about her, he'd not attracted to her in that way. I think it was more a frustration that he can neither help her nor apparently stop her. He hated the lack of closure when it came to her, I got the feeling it somehow reminded him of his own childhood trauma, something he'd never really found a way of completely coming to terms with.

After that case was closed I knew we probably couldn't get any closer as friends than we were at that point. I could've just let it slip one night, sitting on his sofa, watching some old movie because we were so tired we couldn't actually absorb any more information from the files we'd brought home. I could, after one beer too many, have leaned up against him, let my head rest against his shoulder and, on the very edge of falling asleep, whispered "Love you", as if it were the most natural thing in the world. If I was wrong about the signs I thought I was seeing he could simply pretend he hadn't heard, I could pretend I'd already been asleep and been dreaming of Joe or we could both pretend I'd simply meant it 'as a friend'. I never quite worked up the nerve though.

So another year of our partnership went by and we grew closer still. He started coming to my family 'events'. After all, when you're from a family of cops your partner is part of your family. My parents would have been seriously disappointed if, after so long as partners, they hadn't had the opportunity to get to know Goren, or "The Big Guy" as my nieces and nephews quickly christened him, on a more personal level than simply listening to my stories at family dinners.

Goren was accepted as a fixture in the Eames 'Horde', as my father affectionately likes to refer to his nine children and their respective 'other halves', children and, in the case of those serving on the force, partners and their families. If there was a family holiday coming up my mother would always remind me to bring Goren along, she even started to refer to him collectively with my six brother and my brother-in-law as 'her boys'. My nieces and nephews called him Uncle Bobby and, more than once, people visiting on of my family's gatherings for the first time made the assumption that Goren is my partner in the personal rather than professional sense.

I don't suppose that should have surprised me, given the way my family behaved around the two of us during family parties, but somehow it always did. It never seemed to bother Goren, in fact, he would usually leave it up to me to explain the reality of the situation on those occasions. My denial of personal involvement would often be undermined by derisive snorts and chuckles from various family members, a situation not helped by my partner's habit of being more tactile around me when we're with my family than in any other situation.

Oh, you want an explanation of that last comment. Okay, here it is. When we were on duty, unless we were playing a couple, Goren's only physical contact with me was a hand lightly resting on the small of my back when we were walking together, a hand up off the floor after I'd taken down a suspect or, very occasionally, a reassuring hand on my shoulder or arm. When we were alone together, at one or the other of our apartments, you could add allowing me to sit leaning against him to that list and occasionally a friendly touch of his hand to my upper back or some other safe area, and a very occasional quick hug.

When we were surrounded by my family it was different, I guess he knew it was safe and nothing could possibly come of anything with the Horde around. It was at these times that Goren truly relaxes and Bobby 'came out to play', the physical barriers came down and we touched each other far more than we normally would. We hugged, exchanged friendly shoves, nothing more than Goren would exchange with his old buddies like Lewis, Steve or Chris. Then there were the seating arrangements when we'd all be sitting around on the lawn at my parent's house, if Deakins ever saw us he'd have had a heart attack thinking the rumours at work were well founded. After all, wouldn't you think we were a couple if you saw me sitting with my back resting against Goren's chest, his long legs stretch out to either side of my own and his arms resting comfortably either around my waist or shoulders.

Very few people Goren who met through work ever saw him that relaxed and I can honestly say I was honoured to be one of those few. I have to admit I thoroughly enjoyed those moments, I certainly made the most of them. Thinking about it I really should have told him at some point during that time, but I didn't have the guts.


	3. Woulda

I woulda told him at the beginning of our third year together, honestly I would, if I hadn't thought there'd be such a good chance Goren would try and blame my admission on a rush of pregnancy hormones.

He was the first person outside my family I told about my plans to carry my sister's child and the first person I told when the treatment was successful and I became pregnant almost immediately. After all the warnings from the fertility specialist about failure rates for implantations I was pretty shocked when I became pregnant at the second attempt. My sister, Beth, and her husband, Sean, were absolutely thrilled of course and, if I'm honest, so was I. Joe and I had discussed having kids but decided to wait a while, let my career got properly established so I wouldn't end up stuck in uniform. Even back then I wanted that gold shield so badly I could almost taste it.

Beth was the only 'girly' girl in the family and had always wanted children, instead she suffered multiple miscarriages and was eventually told that trying again would be a serious risk to her own health. Sean convinced her they had to look at other options, and I made one of the most important decisions of my life. I offered to carry a child for them before they even asked me to, as soon as surrogacy was mentioned. I simply couldn't stand the thought of some stranger carrying my niece or nephew. Worse I knew about cases where the relationship broke down between the surrogate and the natural parents with the surrogate being allowed to keep the baby, if that happened to Beth it would kill her. After Joe died I didn't really expect to ever find another man I would consider having children with, at least this way I got to 'walk half the road'. I wouldn't have a child of my own but I would get to experience what it was like to carry a child; my sister would have the child she and her husband had tried for more than five years to bring into this world. I knew, no matter how hard it might be, I would be able to hand her that child at the end of the 'road'.

Even though I dated during my pregnancy nothing more than dinner and dancing ever happened between me and Terry. How could it? I knew I belonged to another man, even if the other man in question didn't seem to have the faintest idea of how I felt. As it was Terry was never introduced to my family, other than my eldest brother. That only happened because we happened to run into Junior and his wife, Sonya, one night when we were out to dinner. That was the last time I went out with Terry, I finished it the next day. I must have been on the phone with Junior for at least half an hour after I got home that night and, I have to admit, I spent at least half of that time in tears or close to them.

Junior and I haven't always been close, in fact he was the one who christened me 'Pest' when we were kids because, as the first girl to arrive after four boys, I used to tag along after my brothers until my younger brothers and sisters arrived and grew up enough to actually be fun to play with. We pretty much tolerated each other throughout my teens and it wasn't until I went to the Academy that things changed between us and we started to have something in common. When I graduated from the Academy in the top five of my class I thought Junior might just burst with pride telling his own partner about his little sister and the great career she had ahead of her.

Over the years of shared experience on the force we grew closer, not as close as he was to his twin, Jamie, of course, but certainly closer to me than he was to either Beth or our youngest sister, Lou. When Joe was killed whilst I was on duty it was Junior who came to break the news to me, something for which I have never been able to thank him enough. I don't think I could have taken it coming from Joe's partner, Kevin, or worse, from one of the brass. At my husband's funeral I was protected on each side by John Eames, to my right stood my father, Sergeant Johnny Eames, and to my left stood my eldest brother, Sergeant John Eames Junior. Somehow, even surrounded my the rest of the Horde and Joe's own family, it was those two men who silently and resolutely gave me the strength to stand straight and proud whilst my future, as I then perceived it, was lowered into the ground.

So it was that the same brother said all the right things when I called him that night, pregnant, hormonal and thoroughly confused. I liked Terry, he was a nice guy, a good doctor and, so far as things had gone between us, a considerate boyfriend. So why hadn't any of the family met this wonderful man if he was so right? That had been the simple question Junior had put to me.

My not introducing Terry to the family didn't really need to be explained, Junior knew it was because he simply wasn't the man I would be spending the rest of my life with. He wasn't going to be the father of any future grandchildren I might add to the Horde. The answer I gave had been what confused me but it hadn't confused Junior. My answer had been "Because Goren doesn't know about him". "Yet?" The rest of that question had been unspoken at the same time as it was silently screamed between our minds, 'or never?'

When I didn't answer Junior started talking to me about whether or not I should be stringing Terry along when I obviously wasn't ready to commit to something more serious, he'd gotten the impression from Terry that he would like to take the relationship further but that I was keeping things 'at arms length'. Terry seemed to think it was due to the pregnancy and Junior hadn't said anything to correct that perception. Junior, on the other hand, thought maybe there was someone in the background, someone I wasn't supposed to become involved with as more than a friend, someone who already had a very special place in my heart and in my family.

That's when the tears had started. I'd gone for denial, saying things between me and Goren had never been anything other than platonic. Junior had laughed gently at that, not cruelly just disbelievingly. Had I ever seen the way Goren looked at me? Did I know about how Goren quashed the rumours, past and ongoing, that circulated throughout our partnership about the extent of our relationship? Other questions, too numerous to list, showing how deeply my partner truly cared about my reputation and that of my family. Finally, did I know that Goren was rumoured to be involved with some mystery woman because he'd stopped doing anything more than taking the occasional date out for dinner and dancing, no late night 'entertainment' as Junior put it, for nearly a year now?

Virtually the entire female staff at 1PP was in mourning according to Sonya, who worked there as a civilian clerk. Goren had been a very popular date, considered quite a catch by the women who worked with us, always a perfect gentleman, never pushy and, Junior managed to comment without sounding overly embarrassed, more than capable of delivering at the end of the evening should his date so wish. My sister-in-law could quote several first hand sources who had exchanged notes on their short term, but entirely satisfying, relationships with my partner. Apparently all this had stopped early in our second year as partners.

Whilst knowing that there was nothing physical in my relationship with Goren, Junior could not accept that there was nothing between us other than friendship and partnership, platonic didn't seem to quite cover all the bases when it came to me and Goren.

"Be honest, Pest" he'd said, using what had now become his name for me when he wanted me to remember that he had the advantage of being the older sibling. "What you feel for Goren is about as far from platonic as it gets."

After that I'd had to say my goodbyes, hang up and do some serious thinking about my relationship with my partner, again. Junior was right, of course. What I felt for Goren wasn't platonic, if it was I wouldn't have spent so many hormone-crazed nights thinking about him when I could have been relieving the tensions I was suffering with the more than willing Terry. The next morning I'd called Terry and arranged to meet for coffee. I guess I was a bit of a coward about things really, doing the 'dumping a guy in a public place' routine. Terry was understanding about it, didn't cause a scene. Eventually Goren did find out about him, when the cheque Terry had given at a 9/11 benefit became part of the evidence in a case we were working just after I returned to work. Goren simply waved it off, as if it were none of his business, but I noticed the slightly surprised look he gave me before I'd made some crack about 'sitting home knitting' while I was pregnant.

Yeah, I would have told him how I felt back then, if it hadn't been for the fact I felt I had to do something to help Beth. If that something hadn't been quite so drastic. If my pregnancy hadn't been the perfect excuse for yet again chickening out and not telling him how much I really loved him.


	4. Gutless

Chapter 1

I didn't scrape together enough courage to tell Goren how I felt about him during my pregnancy. I worried too much about what might happen if the things I thought were signs of more than friendly affection were simply that, so I kept my mouth shut and went on with my life.

Goren was, unsurprisingly, the first person outside my family to know that my nephew had been born, even before Sean's own partner. He arrived at the hospital, taking his rightful place amongst the Horde to admire a tiny bundle, wrapped in a blue blanket, Nathan Robert McAdam. He congratulated Beth and Sean, accepted hugs from my mother and father, and didn't raise an eyebrow at the choice of middle name. After all, my brother Rob and Beth are extremely close, as twins are supposed to be. He didn't know that I was the one who chose it and I didn't enlighten him.

He sat by my bed long after my family had gone home, leaving just me, Goren and Nathan. Talking softly in that amazing voice of his, telling me about what was going on at work and answering my queries about his mother's health. When I started to doze he rose to leave but sat back down when I asked him to stay until I'd fallen asleep. He didn't question my request, in fact he almost seemed relieved by it.

The next morning I woke to find a fresh cup of my favourite coffee, not allowed during my pregnancy or the preceding months of treatment, and a Danish from my favourite bakery sitting on the table across the foot of my bed. The nurse confirmed that 'my husband' had dropped in but that no sooner had he arrived than he'd taken a phone call and had to leave. She seemed quite smitten, bless her, though she was quite upset on my behalf that he seemed to think work was more important than me and 'our' new baby. I'd smiled at her, taken a large bite of the Danish, followed by an even bigger gulp of the coffee and shaken my head. I didn't bother explaining about Goren or Nathan for that matter. I simply enjoyed a few minutes of fantasy that her perception was the right one.

I worked hard to get fit again after the pregnancy. Cleared for light to moderate exercise I went swimming every day and did my postnatal exercises religiously. Once my doctor signed me fit to return to the gym, I put in maximum effort to get back into shape for my return to work. I really missed seeing Goren every day, listening to him rattle off theories about our latest case, any excuse to listen to that voice.

I missed his crime scene antics, touching everything that came within reach of those dextrous fingers of his, prodding bodies and aggravating the ME and CSU Technicians, I even missed his 'sniffing' habit that had sent so many partners running for the hills before I came along. I was bored spending my days at the gym or visiting with my family, rather than questioning some witness or other and watching my smart ass partner mimicking their body language and vocal patterns without them realising what he was doing. I wanted to be in an interrogation room whilst Goren lulled yet another unsuspecting suspect into a false sense of security before we produced that one little piece of information that would send them into a tailspin, leaving them to spew their confession and be handed over to the uniforms for transfer to booking. Hell, I even missed just sitting across from him doing paperwork and drinking coffee. Life was too quiet without him around all the time.

It's not as if I didn't see Goren while I was on leave. He'd drop by most evenings when he finished work, which considering the locations of our respective homes showed me that he was at least missing me. On his days off, if he wasn't visiting his mother, he'd spend the day with me or, if he was, he'd come by my place on his way back to the city. Just before I was due to go back to work there was a certain tension between us that hadn't been evident before Nathan's birth, something I couldn't quite pin down. I thought it might be something to do with Bishop. I knew, from things Deakins had said when he'd called me during my maternity leave, that Goren wasn't working with her as well as Deakins would have liked. There was nothing to worry about, our Captain had reassured me, 'It's just she's not you, I guess' he'd chuckled.

If we didn't actually see each other we'd talk on the phone, sometimes talking for over an hour about nothing in particular, baseball, cars, what Lewis had been getting up to at the body shop, whether Chris had managed to find a space for yet another tattoo. If he was particularly late getting home from work, he'd call me to say goodnight, checking that I was okay and didn't need anything before he turned in for the night. I told myself I was imagining it when I thought I heard a longing tone in his voice during some of those calls, almost as if he wished he were with me rather than on the phone in another part of the city. That didn't stop me laying awake long after I'd put the phone down, wishing the same thing myself. Those days when we didn't see each other I felt as though part of me was missing, something I'd never experienced before, not after I'd handed Nathan to Beth, not even when Joe died. That's when I realised how much I needed Goren in my life and that was exactly why I couldn't run the risk of losing him, not if I could help it anyway.

According to departmental policy I could have taken another two months off but as soon as the Department's Physical Health Board certified me fit for duty I was back in the squad room. Goren was particularly enthusiastic about my return, almost bouncing out of his chair when he saw me walk through the door but somehow managing to remain in his seat. The obligatory coffee and Danish were awaiting me on my desk. The Santa Mug, which I knew had resided on his desk throughout my absence, was sitting next to my phone. When I opened my drawer to put away my purse I found a large bag of Skittles waiting for me, I glanced up at him then grinning, probably looking like a complete idiot but I didn't care. I was back and nothing, but nothing, was getting me to leave my partner to work without me again. At least that's what I thought at the time.


	5. Getting back to normal

Chapter 1

Our first case back together Goren was in particularly playful form. I don't think I'll ever forget the way he danced around me in Marion Whitney's library, jigging around to the music playing in another room. It was all I could do not to ask him to dance with me right there and then, I settled instead for a gentle laugh and a smile meant only for him. As murder cases go we actually managed to have fun during that investigation, just enjoying working together again. We were getting back to our old routine, heading back to Goren's apartment for a late night meal after working later than we should have at the office.

I slept over more nights than I would have before then, but I told myself it was because I tired more easily following my pregnancy. I'd always insisted on heading back to my own place if it was even vaguely practical, now I found myself giving in without putting up much of an argument when Goren offered me his bed for the night. He was too much of a gentleman to let me sleep on the couch, even if I did fit better on it than he did. We'd head into 1PP next morning both more rested than after those nights when I went back to my house, somehow we both seemed to sleep better knowing the other was nearby. I kept telling myself it was simply that we'd missed each other's company during my leave and things would soon get back to normal.

Our second case after my return wasn't so much fun. Goren grabbing the ID tag off what could easily have been a bomb gave me palpitations and my snarky comment about it being nice to be back didn't carry quite such a humorous tone as it would have normally. He noticed, I knew he had, a slight shift of his head, as if waiting for me to say something more by way of reprimand, made it clear he knew what he'd done. I didn't lay into him though, I wasn't angry, so much as I was scared. Scared that having provided my sister with the child she so badly wanted I wouldn't be there to see him grow up. Scared I'd never see my family in general again. But mostly scared that, having just got Goren back, I'd been about to lose him.

Then the news that Wallace had been acquitted had been passed along by Deakins. For a moment I really thought I was gonna blow a gasket over that but I managed to get a hold of myself. Following that with the visit to the dance lesson had come close to being the final straw for me. Watching Goren dancing with Margie Timmons I couldn't help a stab of jealousy going through me. Later in the case, when DePalma pulled a gun out of his pocket I hesitated, not because he fumbled as he pulled the starting pistol free, but because I checked where my partner was before I worried about what our perp was doing. That hesitation saved DePalma's life and me the guilt of shooting an unarmed man. It really shook me up and Goren saw that. It wasn't as if we often dealt with perps attempting to commit suicide by cop.

Goren surprised me that day when, following our interrogation of DePalma, he took me into one of the conference rooms for some privacy. That's when he did something he'd never done in the office before. He hugged me. Right there, off a squad room full of our colleagues. Just for a few moments he stopped being Goren, my partner, and reverted to Bobby, my best friend. He closed the door gently, shut the blinds and simply wrapped his arms around me, pulled my head against his chest and stroked my hair, the way he'd done when I'd cried over Beth's last miscarriage. He muttered my name softly, not more than a whisper really, not 'Eames' but 'Alex'. He rarely, if ever at that point come to think of it, called me Alex during office hours unless we were undercover. Although I often called him Bobby at work, he always called me Eames.

I hugged him back, feeling a slight shiver run through him as I did so. I couldn't figure out what had caused him to react like that, it wasn't as if we'd never hugged each other before and I couldn't remember feeling him shiver like that when we had. I looked up at him and just for a moment I was absolutely certain I saw something in his eyes I'd never seen there before. Desire. Never, not once, had I seen that look in his eyes, and I must admit I'd spent a lot of time looking into those eyes.

Most of the time I could read his emotions with nothing more than a glance into those dark orbs of his. I was used to seeing his affection for me, his concern was often written there, his amusement was clear for all to see and he rarely even tried to hide that one. A million other differing expressions might be written in those chocolate coloured wonders that captivated me so easily; annoyance, embarrassment, resignation, even love. Of course I knew he loved me as a friend, maybe as the sister he'd never had. You choose the emotion, even the degree of emotion, mild annoyance, extreme frustration, absolute rage, hilarious amusement, and I could've told you at least one occasion when I'd seen his eyes lit by that particular flame or dulled by that precise cloud.

Just fleetingly I saw that one emotion I was desperate to believe my partner might feel for me. Behind the more obvious concern and love that were clear for me to see, I could have sworn there was a hunger in his eyes, the same hunger I was so careful to disguise in my own. Then it was gone and I once again convinced myself I was imagining things. I was simply looking for things that weren't there because I was upset about the non-shooting I'd just taken part in. I blinked and in that fraction of a second Goren came back and Bobby was gone again, safely tucked away until we finished work for the day, when Goren would clock-out and Bobby would be back, and I too could relax, stop being Eames, and go back to being Alex.


	6. Not talking

Chapter 1

We didn't talk, we simply stepped back from each other and Goren opened the door for me, like I've said before, ever the gentleman. We headed for our desks, sat down and started in on the paperwork. Every now and then I'd glance up at him, being careful to make sure my hair was down in my face in the hope he wouldn't notice me looking. No such luck. Every time I looked up he would meet my gaze a second later and I would have to drop my eyes back to the report I was supposed to be filling out. Finally, only about two hours after our shift had officially ended, Deakins came out of his office and told us to head home, the paperwork could wait until morning.

Deakins turned back towards his office and I stood up, stretching the kinks out of my spine as I did so. I looked across at Goren, about to ask if he wanted me to give him a ride home and found I couldn't speak. His face wore a slight smile, as if he were just thankful for the chance to finally get out of the office. His head was tilted slightly down, so I was the only person in the room who could see his eyes. What had been elusive in the conference room earlier was now in plain sight. Whether my partner was aware of it or not, he was looking at me as if he could quite happily take me back into that conference room, close the door and make love to me right there on the table. The look didn't last long once he realised I was looking at his eyes. Goren was far too good a hiding his emotions when he felt a need to do so, he could even hide them from me when he really wanted to and right then he obviously wanted to hide what he was feeling.

I swallowed hard, licked suddenly dry lips and finally finding my voice, asked if he wanted a ride home, while I hid my face as I bent to grab my purse from my drawer. He nodded, unfolded himself from his chair and grabbed his ever-present leather binder. We each took our coats from the coat-rack and Goren helped me on with mine before putting on his own. We called our goodnights over our shoulders as we left the squad room and then silence fell between us. No chit chat waiting for the elevator, no small talk on the descent to the parking garage. None of the usual discussion about whether to eat at his place, home cooked or takeout. We climbed into the SVU and the silence between us continued until I pulled up at the kerb outside his apartment.

As Goren climbed out of the car I used the illumination from the car's courtesy light to examine his face. He was keeping careful control of his features and his eyes, I could get no hint of what he was thinking for once. When he asked me if I wanted to stay for supper I realised it was the first time he'd actually spoken to me since he'd whispered my name into my hair in the conference room. I nodded, unsure of my voice, and followed him out of the car and into his building. There was no tension in the air between us, just a sense of anticipation, as though we knew something was about to change. Maybe it was that something already had changed. I knew what I'd seen in his eyes back there at the office, he must've known that. It was just a case now of how we each acted on that knowledge.

Goren held his apartment door open for me to precede him inside, as he always did. He followed me in, locked the door behind us. I dropped my purse on the hall table, slipped off my shoes, he placed his binder beside my purse along with his keys, turned and helped me out of my coat then hung it on what had become my hook before taking off his own coat and placing it beside mine, whilst slipping off his own shoes. All this was perfectly normal, it had become our routine when we arrived home. Suddenly a thought hit me. I had begun to think of his apartment, as much as my own house, as being home. I had several changes of both work and casual clothing at his place, there was a permanent collection of my toiletries and cosmetics in his bathroom, there had been weeks recently when I actually spent more nights at his place than mine. It was a good job I had a bird for a pet rather than something that required greater attention because, since my return to work, I'd have probably been charged with neglect by the SPCA.

That's when I felt his right hand on my left shoulder, a gentle caress rather than a friendly tap or squeeze. I kept my back to him, uncertain of how we were supposed to suddenly shift the dynamic of our relationship. I needn't have worried. I felt his fingers gently trace a line down my upper arm, causing a tingle to run down the length of my spine. When he reached my elbow he tightened his grip slightly and slowly turned me around to face him. I couldn't seem to move, other than if he guided me. I couldn't raise my head to look at his face and see whether this was still Goren or whether this was now Bobby. His left hand raised my chin, bringing my eyes up to meet his. He wasn't hiding anymore, this was certainly Bobby but not my familiar best friend, this was a man who wanted far more from me than a comfortable friendship, this man wanted me, all of me.

There was no mistaking the expression in his eyes as they searched mine and I let my own barriers fall under his gaze. For the first time in well over a year I stopped hiding and let what I was truly feeling show in my eyes. His fingers traced the lines and planes of my face and I leaned into his touch. I was finally free to move. I brought my hand up to his face, mirroring his movements, gently running my fingers over the features I knew so well, revelling in the feel of his skin and stubble under my touch. He turned his head slightly and his lips brushed the palm of my hand, not really a kiss more of a caress. I may as well have stuck my finger in an electric socket, given the force of the shock that went through my system. I realised that if I wasn't careful I could easily get addicted to that sensation, the thrill that ran through my entire body at just the lightest brush on his lips against my skin, and we hadn't even kissed yet, never mind anything else.


	7. Talking

Chapter 1

"We need to talk about this." Bobby's voice was so soft that for a moment I thought I'd imagined the words but then he continued speaking. "Alex, if we do this, things … things change completely, there'll be no going back."

I nodded, his palm still warm against my cheek. "I … I know."

He moved his right hand down my arm, taking my hand and, letting his left hand fall from my face, he led me through to the lounge. He guided me to the sofa and I sat down, my hand still in his.

"You want something to drink?" Such an ordinary question, I almost laughed but managed to control the nervous impulse. I nodded. He let go of my hand and headed back through to the kitchen, returning with two glasses and a bottle of a white wine I'd expressed a liking for when we'd had it before.

"This okay?" He asked, his voice uncertain.

"It's fine, thanks."

He poured us each a glass of wine and handed me mine, my fingers brushed against his as I took the glass from him and I felt another tingle run down my spine. 'This is ridiculous, I don't get like this about men', I remember thinking, not even Joe had managed to evoke this sort of physical reaction in me. Then I realised this wasn't just any man, this was _the_ man, _the one_, this was not just some possible lover, this was my last lover, there could be no one else for me, before we'd even kissed Bobby Goren had ruined me for anyone but him.

"Alex, are you okay?" His voice was heavy with worry and I realised I'd zoned out on him.

"Sorry, thinking." I looked at him, perching on the coffee table in front of me, his wine glass forgotten already beside him, and smiled. "So, what happens now?"

"What do you want to happen?" I put my glass down next to his.

"Don't answer a question with a question, Bobby." I couldn't help but smirk and he shook is head slightly, as he does sometimes when he's trying to get his thoughts in order.

"I don't think we should rush things, Alex." He looked down at his hands as he spoke.

"Before you say anything more, Bobby, how long?" He looked up at me, his eyes startled.

"How long, what?" Now it was my turn to look down.

"How long have you felt like this? 'Cos believe me, this didn't just happen as far as I'm concerned." Those gentle fingers once more raised my chin, as he made me meet his eyes with my own.

"About six … six months into our partnership, when I knew you were stay … staying. That's when it started, I think. I mean, it's not as … as if I didn't think you were attractive before that. I'm not blind. I thought you were beautiful that first day in Deakins' office but I expected you to be gone in a few weeks, like most of my partners." Now that he was on a roll his stammer disappeared. "Besides, you were my partner, I wasn't allowed to think about you being a woman. You're my equal on the job, in many ways you're a better cop than I am. You don't bend the rules as easily as I do, even if you follow my lead when I stray across the line a little. Once I realised you weren't gonna leave and we started to become friends, well, things just kinda got out of control, I guess. I didn't mean to let this happen, Alex, honest I didn't but somehow I fell in love with you." Yep, Bobby Goren was probably the only man on the planet who could make an admission of love into an apology. He dropped his hand from my face, starting to fidget nervously.

"I don't think I fully realised until you were on maternity leave. I couldn't seem to function properly without you there. Even when you were on desk duty I was more or less okay, but once you were gone from work completely something slipped. I couldn't get my thoughts in order, 'cos they kept coming back to you instead of the cases." He finally paused for breath, giving me an opportunity to speak.

"End of our first year together, that's when I knew for sure. When Crawley and his buddies killed that guy just so they could frame Elizabeth Dawson for murder and blackmail her into cooperating with their stock scam. At the end of the case when Dawson realised exactly what had happened, that was it. All I could think about was how I would feel if something happened to you. I knew then I didn't want to lose you, I knew it wasn't just as a friend I felt that way. I just couldn't risk you finding out, at least that's what I thought, not if I wanted to keep our partnership solid and our friendship moving forward the way it was at that point." I leaned forward, wrapping both my hands around one of his, stopping his nervous fidgeting.

"Somehow, I don't think it's possible after this long to rush anything. If you want to take things slowly, I can deal with that but if you're just being a gentleman about this …" I didn't get to finish my sentence, as Bobby finally did what I'd been wanting him to do since he'd turned me around to face him in the hall, he kissed me.

His lips brushed gently against mine, when I leaned further into him he took the hint and stopped being quite so gentle. I can honestly say I'd never experienced anything quite like being kissed by Bobby in my life. His lips were warm, soft and incredibly sensual as they moved against mine. When I felt the tip of his tongue press gently against the very centre of my lower lip I opened to him, allowing his tongue access to explore and the tingles that had been running up and down my spine turned into an all out shiver.

Now he leaned into me, moving off the table to sit beside me on the sofa, somehow managing not to break our first kiss in the process. I shifted so that I could get my arms around his neck, my fingers fiddling with the short curls they found there, whilst his arms went around my waist pulling my body to him in the process. When he was happy with the position he'd moved me into his right arm continued to pin me against him and his left hand started to explore, caressing my back, then up over my shoulders until he was cradling my head, his fingers weaving into my hair. By now I felt as if every nerve in my body was on fire, I wanted so much more than just this kiss, these gentle safely placed caresses. When we finally broke our kiss he held my head against his, foreheads resting against each other, both of us panting slightly and not only from lack of oxygen.

I may have been a complete coward for the last year and a half or more but, when I opened my eyes and found myself staring into smouldering brown eyes that showed a passion that matched what their owner was causing me to feel, I decided it was time to stop worrying about possible complications. I stood up, looked down into my partner's confused face and smiled, holding out my hand to him.

"You're not sleeping on the couch tonight." I stated plainly.

"But, Alex, I … I don't ex … expect …" the stammer was back with a vengeance.

I arched an eyebrow at him, then leaned down brushing my lips along his jaw until I reached his ear and whispered. "Bobby, I may have dated these past few years but, let me put it this way, I've always gone home alone at the end of the evening. I do not intend to spend another night alone in _your_ bed. How far we take things tonight we can figure out as we go along but if I stay here tonight I want to wake up with you next to me in the morning, not in the next room."

I could feel the heat of his blush against my cheek and the tension coursing through his body. He turned his head and reclaimed my mouth, standing up as he did so. Once he was all the way off the sofa, his arms went around me again, this time lifting me off my feet and bringing me up to his level. If I hadn't already been dizzy from his kiss I would have been from the sudden change in altitude.

"Bobby, put me down!" I hadn't squealed like that since I was in high school and my brother, in the year below me, had decided to finish a series of mutual pranks by running one of my bras up the flagpole.

"Oh no," he grinned at me, all hint of hesitancy now gone. "I'm not taking any chances. You said 'if you stay here tonight'." He kissed me soundly before continuing to speak as he walked towards his room. "You are most definitely staying tonight, tomorrow, for as long as I can convince you to stay. And you know how convincing I can be, Eames, don't you."

"Don't you dare call me Eames once we're in that bedroom, Goren!" I pulled his head down so that I could kiss him again.


	8. and finally

Chapter 1

As I sit here, at my dressing table, thinking about the time we wasted at the beginning of our life together I can't honestly say I regret the wait. We certainly knew each other well by the time we finally figured out we were in love with each other. We could read each other's moods with a degree of accuracy that few couples achieve even before we were a couple. We soon learned we were as well matched as lovers as we were as partners and friends. It wasn't all plain sailing from that first night onwards, what relationship is, but we stuck it out, together.

There are other considerations in that lack of regret. It's unlikely, had I just started a new relationship, that I would have gone through with the plans for the surrogate pregnancy which had given my family Nathan and who knows whether the procedure would have been as successful a year or two later. The nephew I gave birth to still holds a very special place in my heart and if Bobby is honest in his as well.

Mind you, there have been additions to the Horde since Bobby and I got together, five of them ours. Yep, that's right, five kids. Twins run in my mother's family, so when our first pregnancy produced two bouncing, healthy, identical boys nobody was surprised. After all, my two oldest brothers are identical twins. The triplets two years later were a bit of a shock, especially as we hadn't planned on having any more kids. Raising three boys and two girls certainly has kept life interesting, especially while they were all under the age of ten. Luckily there have always been plenty of aunts, uncles and cousins, both actual and honorary, around to help keep our kids amused.

Donny Carlson has been amongst those cousins. The kid came good in the end, turned himself in. An understanding judge went easy on him, ordering probation and supervision to ensure he remained medicated rather than sending him back to serve more time. It turned out he was just as bright as his Uncle, who helped him get back into school, where Donny got a degree in psychiatry. These days he works with young adults with mental health problems, helping them find their niche in a world that still sometimes finds it difficult to accept those who see it differently to others. Mike Logan and Carolyn Barek have been amongst the aunts and uncles and provided a couple of honorary cousins along the way. Who would have thought that both Deakins' best teams would have ended up inviting him to their weddings.

There have been losses as well, over the years, both professional and personal. When our original Captain, Jim Deakins, retired it caused tensions between me and Bobby, I couldn't understand why he didn't want to fight the false allegations against him, Bobby accepted Deakins' decision without question. Oh, he helped me find the evidence that could have exonerated Deakins but he wouldn't try to argue the Captain into staying. Ron Carver left the DA's Office to go into private practice, who would have thought we'd actually miss arguing with him about how to handle a case. The news of Lenny Briscoe's death resounded throughout the NYPD and Goren and I attended the funeral, it was a full dress occasion as befitted such a long serving member of the force.

The cancer and death of Frances Goren, coming as it did whilst my own mother was recovering from a stroke, was a major blow to the heart and soul of the devoted son she left behind. The pain was compounded by the indifference of his less than devoted brother, or half brother, Bobby never did find out the truth about his paternity, it really didn't make any difference to who he was, the man he had worked so hard to become, so why bother. Frank's own death, only five years later, left another scar on Bobby's soul.

As happens when you have family on the force I suffered a sudden loss, not near so devastating as that of my husband in similar circumstances years before, but one of my cousins. Too familiar a scenario, idiot kid holding up a corner store and a beat cop walks in, go figure. Tony Francetti had been my favourite cousin on my mother's side growing up, we were less than a year apart in age and ended up going through the Academy together. We'd grown apart over the years, as adult life took over from childhood escapades. Putting on my dress blues and watching as my eldest brothers and other family members carried his coffin into church was a very strange sensation.

The sudden death of our old Captain, Uncle Jimmy to our children, ten years ago was a heartbreaking experience. A man with so much life in him should not be taken from this world before his time by a drunk behind the wheel of a car. I've never been able to decide if losing Angie Deakins in the same accident was a blessing or a curse. Certainly it was hard on their girls and the rest of their family but, following his retirement from MCS, the couple had spent more and more time together until you really couldn't image either surviving without the other. They lay at rest together, in the same cemetery that holds my first husband, Bobby's family and our third daughter. I like to think Jimmy is standing guard over the baby I lost the year after the triplets were born, he was always a good protector whether the 'protectee' wanted to be protected or not.

I count myself blessed not to have lost any more family over the years, given the number of us serving the city in one capacity or another, not to mention our ages. Unbelievably both my parents are still alive. Mom never fully recovered physically from her stroke and the weakness in her left hand side now confines her to a wheelchair but her mind is still as sharp as a tack, unfortunately for any of her grandchildren, great grandchildren or great-great-grandchildren who try to pull the wool over her eyes. Dad is as robust as ever, still claiming that each new addition to the Horde keeps him young. Judging from the size of our extended family I figure my father should still be going strong when he's two hundred years old.

You may be asking yourself what's brought on this introspective interlude. Perhaps another death, God forbid, the loss of Bobby. Don't get a panic started. My partner is just fine; fit and healthy, for a man his age. No longer my partner in the professional sense, not for a good many years now. These days he lectures in Criminal Psychology at Hudson University. He's very popular with the female students, even if his hair is impossibly grey when I compare it to the dark curls that he sported when we first met. Several students have taken the ring on his finger as a challenge, none have succeeded in drawing his attention away from the woman he convinced to stay at his place that night back in January 2004.

I feel a familiar touch on my shoulder and a familiar tingle down my spine, I don't think anyone would believe it if I told them he can still do that to me. I suppose that's one of the reasons that, despite all the turmoil that hit us over the years and the offers that came along when others thought I might be open to opportunity, I have never strayed nor even thought of straying. The idea that fixed itself in my head that first night, before he'd even kissed me, that this man would be my last lover has turned out to be correct.

I look into the mirror meeting his eyes there, eyes that haven't changed with time, eyes that still tell me everything I need to know when he looks at me as he is doing now, as if I were the only woman on the planet. His fingers draw a gentle, familiar trail up my neck, moving my hair aside. He bends down, bringing his lips close to my ear and the warmth of his breath on my skin sends sparks flying down my nerves.

"You look beautiful, sure I can't convince you we should stay home?" He grins as he kisses my neck.

"You may be very good at convincing me, Goren, but I'm not explaining why we're late if you succeed."

He straightens up, shrugging his shoulders. "Okay, you win this round, Eames."

We still do that, 'Goren' and 'Eames', though I've been Mrs Goren now for almost thirty years. Professionally I continued using my maiden name right up until I retired from MCS, as their first female captain, but outside the squad room I became Alex Goren, wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt and most recently, grandmother.

No see, I've been sat here dragging my mind through the past, yet today is really about looking forward. Today we're going to church, there's a new generation of the Horde due to be christened and our three month old granddaughter is among those, as my husband so eloquently likes to put it, being dunked.


End file.
